In exactly three months, my birthday will be 13. I'm the 11th birthday of every XNUMX. This year, moreover, will feel like this: like being rescued from a fucking island, like returning to myself… to rediscovering who I am, what I like, what I want, and what I have… beyond what I'm missing or think I'm missing.
For my birthday I want many things: a full day in Los Roques, paragliding in La Guaira, and traveling to Mérida.
The first thing is framed within my new policy of doing what I've always wanted to do.
The second is part of the challenge of experiencing what terrifies me, what I would never do in my right mind… and discovering whether I can enjoy it or not.
The third is part of the need to reconnect with what shaped me, with the most hippie Jessica, the one who wasn't afraid of getting lost in the fog; the one who abandoned all responsibilities to go to a film festival and think that fiction could be reality, that reality was perhaps a big lie; the one who felt she had a whole life ahead of her, the one who wanted to grow old in the wilderness but now wishes to do so beside the freedom that the sea offers... far from conservatism.
In the end, that was my final lesson: we are what we were yesterday, but above all, what we learned from being who we are, what we are today, and what we do to build what we want to be tomorrow.
In July, I should also be celebrating the end of the first semester of the master's degree I just started... precisely by doing what I've always wanted, experiencing what terrifies me, and reconnecting with that side of me that wants to believe it's capable.
Maybe my wishes won't come true. Maybe my birthday catches me drunk and crazy, my ears aren't ready for the pressure changes yet, or I've passed all my tests... and yet there will still be something to celebrate: the return of my wish.
I don't know when I stopped dreaming, how or why I allowed myself to. Maybe it was Venezuela and hyperinflation; maybe I parked so as not to upset the car that couldn't catch me, for which I would have been willing to walk; maybe I was overcome by what others expect of me.
But the feeling of wanting something again is so beautiful it makes me cry. It's like discovering the heartbeat of something you thought was dead, like the excitement of seeing the person you love arrive.
All of this happens in the midst of shitty days and situations, and that makes it even more valuable.
That is to say, those who read me know that I am coming from a breakup, from being fired from work and from having to put up with shitty stocks, from having to pay fines, from a car that never bothers me but left me stranded for the first time in ten years and today needs its throttle body cleaned, from an otitis media with effusion... and a damn tinnitus that still hasn't left me, from a broken tooth, canker sores, bruxism and a lot of anxiety... but in the middle of all that: happiness.
The point is this: healing processes are slow (and sometimes going slowly is the most honest way to move forward) but… you can be happy in the midst of them.
You can be happy even with deep pain, with many, with wounds that have not yet healed.
You can dance, want to keep dancing, desire to do so, even if your feet hurt, celebrate even in the midst of bad times. In fact, we've all done it at some point. That's what "the party of life" is all about.
Today, as I search for my own God, I have a new creed, which is really just a reminder of what I have always believed in:
I believe in life and its twists and turns.
I believe that love will always be the engine that moves the world... and I believe in self-love above all else, as an essential requirement for being able to love others, for loving them beautifully.
And I believe that the love we give is always, always multiplied, that the hands that give will never be empty, and it really sucks how Christian or Catholic this may sound.
In fact, I think we are what we give.
I believe in honest conversations in front of the mirror... with our wounds, with our ghosts, with our egos, with some grudges, with our fears.
I think we learn from everything… when we really want to learn.
And I believe that when we learn we don't repeat.
That: I believe in desire, in what we are capable of doing when we have it.
I believe that, despite my impatience, time does grant us some answers, some solutions.
I believe that, even though we sometimes feel alone, if we look closely, we'll see that there are always people willing to celebrate the good things that happen to us... and to listen, cry, or help us resolve the bad things.
I believe in friendship, and I believe in those get-togethers with friends where we dedicate ourselves to fixing the world… talking nonsense, laughing. And I believe this because my world feels better when they're there.
I believe in dinners with wine and I pray for a long life for them.
I think we should give ourselves other opportunities to do better. I think life—almost always—gives them to us… even if we don't always see it.
I believe in the connection that transcends time… yes, I'm a fool, but I believe in it. And I believe in chemistry, and I've sworn to myself not to forget that it's just as important as making love a choice and a daily endeavor.
I believe that some people are made of magic and are capable of bringing out the best in us.
I think feeling peace and tranquility is the best aphrodisiac in the world.
I believe animals are shamans capable of healing us, of restoring our balance. I also believe plants absorb energy.
I think some trains are passing by… but that doesn't mean we should burn down the station. Others will arrive.
I believe in the ephemeral and the eternal.
I think in three months I'll be able to celebrate... no matter what.
By: Jessica Dos Santos /Instagram: Jessidossantos13
Tell me your story, write it however you like, together we shape it and share it. In life, spreading the different forms of love is always necessary: lasultimasnoticiasdelamor@gmail.com
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