When "the greatest love" hurts us

His parents were foreigners, deeply hardworking, and possessors of a rather particular character. They did not have the time or knowledge to help her with her primary and secondary studies, much less to encourage her to do some extracurricular activity.

However, Sofia had many "guardian angels" on her way, understood as teachers with a vocation or mothers of friends with the capacity to tuck another daughter in her bosom. Thanks to them, Sofía got to know the beach and the mountains, but she also knew what their main capacities were.

However, he never received a congratulation or a loving gesture from his mother, with whom he shared the most and who affected him the most, since his father worked until late at night. Nor was he able to count on their support, much less gain their trust.

As a kind of obsession, Sofía insisted on being the best in everything, perhaps as a way to awaken her parents' “pride”. In fact, she was always on the "honor roll" of the Catholic school where she studied subsidized thanks to her good grades.

On the contrary, among his most vivid memories are the dozens of times he had to lie to her to be able to study for a while longer; the stories she made up to her friends to explain that, despite being the first in her class, she couldn't go to this or that birthday; nor be part of the sports team. 

To try to deal with this, Sofia hid in the food. Little by little, she began to gain weight and feel increasingly uncomfortable with her body and her life. 

In contrast, her mother intensified the criticism and bought her black clothes to hide her weight. He also took her to some "reduce fat fast" type centers or "dot diet" promoters to "fix that." Neither of them noticed that there was an emotional problem on the other side of the scale.

When he reached his teens, everything was worse. Her mother never accepted that Sofia had friends, much less "girlfriends" because that was "a bit of whore" and her daughter would not be one. Instead, she was to come to the marriage a virgin, which would also be the only way she would be allowed to leave the house. 

Then, permeated by her mother's words and actions, Sofía began to create misconceptions about almost everything. The sex was bad, the parties too, the sports the same, reading was a waste of time, sleeping was not allowed, studying at the UCV was "somewhat lazy" and work is "to make money" because life consists of a series of "sacrifices" and not in doing what you like. 

The few times she dared to defend her beliefs or dreams out loud, Sofia received a couple of slaps, locked herself in her room for days and nights, cried in silence thousands of times, lost people she loved for fear of telling them what that she lived, felt empty, believed herself to be guilty, filled with fears and insecurities, lost her self-esteem (if she ever had it) and thought many times about ending her life. 

At that point, Sofía understood that something had to change. It is assumed that "the love of a mother is the greatest" but in her case it was tremendously harmful ... although our Catholic society is not yet ready for this conversation. But when it comes to motherhood and fatherhood, hyper-control, emotional abandonment or abuse can open wounds just as great as physical absence.

Sofia had finally understood and was old enough to try to take control of her life. The first step was moving. Leaving "home" without a boyfriend, marriage, or virginity was a hecatomb. But, for her, it was the same thing: being alone. But with the tranquility that it gave him not to constantly hear maternal reproaches.

Doing so involved dealing for months with her mother's rejection. Therefore, it also involved having to lose contact with other members of his family from whom he did not necessarily want to get away. Leaving hurt as much or more than staying, but her decision had an end, it was her way of embracing life and giving herself another chance. 

In the midst of her new dynamics, Sofía learned that "being alone" is not always bad, that finding herself could be nice, that - in one way or another - she was not so despicable. Also like this, in the distance, she tried to understand the reasons why her mother behaved the way she did and to a certain extent she succeeded: "Surely her parents treated her in the same way and no one can offer something she lacks," she thought. .

However, when - to avoid continuing to suffer - she almost became a compulsive justifier of her mother's actions, she began to receive therapy. Her psychologist explained that, although her mother's past had been hard, it was no excuse for her actions, since people have the possibility of transforming themselves. 

Sofía admitted the wounds, she faced them with the sole purpose of healing them, she knew that her deep fear of having children stems from the fear of being “just as cruel” to them as her mother, she seeks to heal in order to advance, so as not to reproduce patterns . Her family believes her to be "selfish" but she - who spent her entire life awaiting the wishes or expectations of others - today tries to think of herself. 

Trust that self-love and the desire to "live learning so as not to die" can save her.

Tell me your story, write it as it may, together we shape and share it. Spread the different forms of love, it is always necessary: [email protected]

 

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